Friday, October 9, 2009


And another thing, don't tell me an iron's an iron and it's worked well for hundreds of years. Think how impoverished our lifestyle would be if the box just said 'Iron' or at a pinch 'Steam Iron'. How very, very much more satisfying is the retail experience if it says

Innovation in ironing. The Australian Design Award winning Ultura range delivers exceptional steam performance in a lightweight, ergonomic design.

My wife came rushing over to me in Farmers, which is a shop. Actually it's a department store for poor people. Or at least those who are rich enough not to go to the Warehouse which only sells crap, but aren't rich enough to fly to John Lewis Nottingham where there is an entire department at the bottom of the escalator devoted to tasteless lamps disguised as statues of nymphs and shepherds. - My wife came rushing over with great excitement and exclaimed

'Why Richard! Darling! I have found the very thing! The Sunbeam Ultura 90 has Safety auto-off! A 2400W element for fast heat up! And it has a Scratch-resistant Resilium ® Soleplate!'

'Oh, a scratch-resistant Resilium ® Soleplate?' I said, surprised.

'Yes! You know how I longed for a scratch-resistant Resilium ® Soleplate. And it will give me a Super shot of steam at 80g/min and 35g/min continuous steam!'

I exclaimed, knowingly,

'Ah! But does it give a vertical shot of steam? And has it a Drip-stop steam system?'

But she was too quick for me.

'Why yes! It has both functions! Both! Moreover it has a Fine mist spray, a 280mL water tank, a Soft grip handle and an Extra long 3 metre cord!'

I was defeated, of course.

'Oh well we must buy it at once. An Extra long 3 metre cord is not to be sneezed at. If it were an ordinary 3 metre cord I would hesitate, but an Extra long 3 metre cord means it's a good consumer decision. But one last thing. Does Sunbeam have a strong history in design and innovation, and is it dedicated to delivering a variety of high quality irons and ironing accessories to help you achieve perfect results every time?'

She consulted the box.

'Why yes!'

'Well then,' I said, greatly relieved, 'We'd best make what is clearly going to be a wise investment. I believe Sunbeam are also proud inventors of the revolutionary safety auto-off feature - first introduced on the Sunbeam Selectronic iron in 1984, and are committed to making ironing easier.'

And then to celebrate our purchasing skills we went off and had a KitKat because Nestlé believes that proper nutrition and physical activity are important in maintaining good health, whereas Another Confectionery Manufacturer only believes in selling chocolate because big fat people like eating it.

Now is there any Human Powered Vehicle relevance in all that? Er - no.


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